Kullu Nafsin Zaa Iqatul Mauttt

This particular verse of Quran kept going thru my head as I put on rubber gloves, facemask, about to start active resus.

Hes not gonna make it. He had a good run. In his 70s hes ready for it. He should be ready. He should be recited Yaseen among his sons and daughters and grandsons and granddaughters

‘Let him go peacefully’ I mumbled indistincly…….
anddd before I knew it active resus started.
**sfx rib bones cracking

Flash back to ward rounds with Dato wan in colorectal rotation.
“If u are dying,  make damn sure that you are not in hospital”
Believe me, no one wants to die this way – Dato’ Wan Khamizar consultant colorectal surgeon from Belgium.

You are half conscious. Trying all you can to catch a breath. Your past life flashes infront of your eyes.
Syaiton and all of Lucifer minions giving out their best , persuading you away from syahadah.
Your loved ones kept distant from u.
A tired looking  stranger using all of his might compressing your chest. Ribs cracking with each forceful thrust. Bloody secretions from your nose and mouth. 3 other strangers also looking very tired and shabby shoving grey orange branulla all over your limbs.

Nobody wants to die this way. Please people, dont refuse a DNR when it is offered for your loved ones. When we offered DNR it is for patients own good.

Rate of successful resuscitation for patient less than 70 years in tertiary hospital and with the CPR done properly? Take a guess.. Less than bloody 15 percent. The rate is 11 percent if you are more than 70.

76 percent of those who were actually resuscitated passed away in 72 hours.

Dont let your loved ones die with strangers by their side. Take that god forsaken DNR when we offer it to you.


Pic 1: Tired looking stranger unable to teach syahadah and performing CPR at the same time.

*** DNR do not resuscitate
**writers own take on the issue, should some one think differently writer felt sad but won’t ridicule their opinion
* writer wrote this during office hour but he had no pending work and his back painful so he had to sit down.


House officer UD 41

6 months passed by as house officer at Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah.

Kehidupan buat masa ini adalah at best bearable. Work start at 5 am, went back hammered and tired at 7 pm. Oncall twice a week. 28 hours per call.
Got paid rm150 per day. Rm4500/ month.

Bam bam sheke wau wau 6 months passed by but haven’t had a steady savings yet.

The steadfast and ever trusty forte putih cost me rm874/month

Contribute rm500 to both my parents

Phone bills, rent rm 400

And the rest? Where did the rest go? It’s a mystery. They disappeared to the abyss lost in the space time continuum.

Current financial demand:

1. Marriage
2. Forte putih
3. 3 storrey SP saujana terrace house.

Pic 1: graphical representation of the 1st and 2nd financial demands.

Abang john and an abandoned bungalow

No 35, Taman Melati, Sungai Petani.This is where everything started.
My 1st memory about this double storey-semi detached house is about the wall dividing my house from my neighbour’s house. Its around 2 meters high and all of us would climb up the wall and sit there,and that is arguably the best spot to be in the whole compound.
Space on the wall is limited hence hierrachy of power takes place. The older siblings usually had the upper hand, and im the 2nd youngest in the family.

But this story is about a bungalow, most probably from the late 20s, the base is of concrete and the upper half is made of wood. Located deep inside what used to be a rubber plantation infront of my house. Ya i should probably tell you about the rubber estate 1st.

Well, the whole taman melati is actually located at the edge of a rubber estate. Owned by a chinese tycoon, whom later dissappeared and left the estate unattended. After 30-40 years the estate turned to a jungle. It had wild boars, snakes (big ones,kapak,sawa,tedung etc), wild dogs, apes, and a variety of birds that sing beautiful songs in the morning.

Strictly speaking ,the jungle is off limit to us, but the temptations are too hard to resist.

At that point of time abg jie and kak zati went to boarding school, and those older went to university. It is just me and bunyamin at home, and abati retired too.

Ayie and Aman (my neighbour’s grandkid) joined the gang, Lee which lives not far from our home usually hangs around with us, hes abit older than me. Plus theres few more kids from nearby taman that joined us back then. We play lom (galah panjang), jenkek (not sure what ppl call this), police sentry, layang2, wrestling, kad tepok, chaplong, gasing, we even berjudi back then..hahah astaghfirullah..ill tell that story in the next post.

The gang has no leader,though at times I self proclaimedly act as one..kakaka.

Going back to the story proper,
Im not sure how I heard about this story, but at that time theres a rumor of a man named abang john, that lives in the woods. Somesay hes a fugitive, somesay he stays in the jungle to learn dark magic, and at one point all of us believed he really had that power. We never met him before, until this one evening when my friend asked us to follow him deeper into the woods. Non of us refute, even with that much rumors circulating about this persona known by abang john.

We cycled into the woods, deeper than ever ventured before and I can feel that the forrest is getting thicker as less light penetrates in. The surrounding darkens and you can feel the cold breeze passing through the tall rubber trees. There is an opening in the middle of the woods, a couple of big rubber trees had succumb down, and I can see 2 figures sitting on the fallen tree. As we drew closer the figure stand up and shouts “sini woii”..and that is the 1st time i saw him, the man with black magic, abang john.

Contrary to what his name suggest, abang john is not english,not anglo saxon. His skin is dark, not tall but not short, lean and moderately build typical mamak guy.

Esse mucho perfecto

(note to self : written on 12-12-2011)

Happiness, is a lot cheaper back then.
When I was 5, my daily highlight was the slaughtering of fishes
being prepared for dinner. Which is free of charge. No ipads, no angry birds etc.

And I have clear recollection of this particular liking, that is to witness and observe those big fishes my abati bought being torn apart, with the blood and the head chopping and how the internal organ gush out from the ventral midline incision my mum made.

Well u might think that I’m a messed up kid based on that story, but then I’ m a lot more messed up now than I did back then. Thanks to those 10 hours/week sessions in the dissection hall..and a handful number of autopsy sessions I attended in Manipal,Karnataka.

I’m deviating from the main topic, which isss happiness… yup euphoria we med student call it. Euphoria as in when you come to the ward in the morning with your lab coat Klu Klux Klan white, your torso and abdomen warm from neskopi o you had in kafeteria, your underwear freshly picked up from the drier machine and most important of all, your evening session today is Self (read sleep) Directed Learning..esse mucho perfecto..muahh gracias2..

And as you walk thru the horde of housemen and med officers reviewing patient in nearly sub sonic speed, one of the patient you clerk yesterday said “selamat pagi dokter..” and you replied “selamat pagi…belum dokter lagii..insyaAllah doa2..”..while u try not to smile like a complete kera (baboon).
You shake his hand..”alhamdulillahh makin sehat dah pakcik hari ni”..and you use that moment to da’wah him abit..betui pakcik..Allah bagi sakit dia bagi kita sembuh balikk..dia ampun dosa2 kita semua insyaAllahh”.

And you do your ward work, clerking, examining, but most of the time looking at case sheets..hahah..and second dose of euphoria kicks in when the impression on the case sheet is spot on with your provisional diagnosis(rarely happen once in few hundred years…hahah).

Around 10 am, the lecturer arrived..they ride the white 12 seaters mpv, most of time with a smile on their face..well sometime it is more of a grin..anddd of course when they wake up on the wrong side of the bed that day..u better hope you are not presenting..haha..

As the lecturer slowly approach you..he raise his right arm foward and mutters “Let me shed some light on you younglings and show you the path to the wiser wisdom”..hahah..at least thats how I hope they would say it..

anddd..alot more stuff that i would write..but havent got the time..will continue soon..and i will end this post with

“There you had it, the definition of happiness in a medical student point of view”


Aturan Allah

not long back,4 weeks ago,on 27th of September to be exact.
i had one episode of bright red pr bleed,during my morning visit to the toilet.

after morning lecture,i rushed to putra specialist,
was hoping for a hemorrhoid ,but proctoscope and dre showed non,
GI bleeding 101,if u got blood and you dont know where it is coming from=invasive investigation.
so i was admitted,swallow the bowel cleansing fleet regiment,nil by mouth for 12 hours.

on the morning of 28th sept,domicum infused and im out,le anesthesie generalis,colonoscopy done.convenient.im again awake at 11 am,weak-drowsy-severe headache.not convenient.

tried to stay awake.but no avail.doze off to 1pm.tried to prepare some milo.but the nurses stop me from doing so.they took me to Ct room.

contrast infused to my left iv line.CE Ct taken.

i know something is no right at this moment.

need to call mum and dad,but the mobile is with the nurses.
hence need to sign a paper to retrieve them.
they brought my case sheets along.
i know i shudnt peek on the case sheets.
but it is my own colon.what would you expect.

so i explain to the nurse,im a med.student,i need to have a look,the colonel surgeon might not know what he s doing.he might need some 2nd opinion from me.

i peeked.and there it is.3 pictures.1 with a remnant diverticulum.1 with multiple broad base sessile polyps like growth.<1 cm each.numerous.1 with eroded mucosal area in between the polyps.

im stunned.

then i opened the next page.ddx ileocaecal ca?.

the next word that came out is
“o ada cancer nurse”..

the nurse make some funny face and said “tu la dokter saya kata jangan”

the emotion at that time is some what volatile.i admit to my sins.im not happy about leaving my family.but if Allah said so,i am redha.i kept thinking this is a lot better than a sudden death on the road.with out any warning sign or time to taubat.

so i went down to the hospital grocery store alone.bought a conneto.and ice tea.i went up back to my single suit.sat there on the chair by the window..blues sets in..those terminally ill tears came out of no where.one nurse,i had a little chat with her the night before that.she said..”dokter..jgn la sedeh..tak kompem lagi tu dokter..”

then i called my oldest sis.and later min.and then i call my pengarang jantung.puan mainun bt. shahadan.my mama la tu.ya mmg la aku ni anak mak.haha…

and..to be continued..

quite sure there s a happy ending to this story.pray for it.insyaAllah.

Sir faiz.

Kali ini aku mahu bersahaja..minggu lepasĀ  aku terlalu serius.. ^ . ^ ( comel bukan emoticon murahan ini?)

Minggu ini aku bukan sahaja seorang pelajar medic..tapi aku juga seorang guru bahasa inggeris..

Sabtu lepas aku ke rumah anak yatim Sri Krishna Balaneketana..letaknya lebih kurang 10 minit dari Manipal..



Kami 16 orang semuanya..16 orang tenaga pelajar kurang terlatih..tapi semuanya aku puji kerana begitu bersemangat mengajar..

Sampai di sana sudah hampir jam 2 petang..kedengaran sorak gembira anak2 itu menyambut ketibaan kami..

Aku tengok reaksi rakan2 pengajar ada yang takut..ada yang mahu patah balik ke Manipal..dan ada juga yang tersenyum lebar (aku termasuk dalam kumpulan ini)..maklumlah..bukan perkara mudah bila berinteraksi dengan anak2 ini..silap sedikit penatlah memujuk.. ^.^ (sekali lagi emoticon murahan)..

Aku mengajar anak2 dalam kumpulan pertengahan..yang sudah tahu huruf dan nombor..cuma belum pandai mengeja..3 anak murid ku Ganesh,Laksmi dan Osman (aku lupa nama yg ketiga ini)..

Penat juga mengajar..kerana tempoh minat mereka begitu pendek..main 3 minit..kemudian belajar 3 minit..nasib baik aku bawa bersama kamera dslr ku itu..senanglah aku menarik perhatian mereka..

Dan dalam hingar riang bingar ria itu..aku terdiam dan datanglah ketenangan..

dikelilingi ahli2 syurga yang suci dari dosa..aku makin jelas dengan apa yang mahu aku lakukan di dunia ini..

P/s: Gambar2 lain ada di facebook